A boulevard of broken dreams

I was sitting at my desk, browsing through some random stuff impassively and planning some imaginary weekend getaway (hey, that is what weekdays are for, anyway!) when I came across an article about somebody going through a quarter life breakdown. The term ‘quarter life crisis’ was relatively new to me, though I must admit that I could totally picture myself in the quandary detailed out there. Intrigued,  I set out to ponder on my life and it did not take me long to come to terms with the fact that I am going through what they call the quarter life crisis (OMG I am going to have a breakdown now!).

I rush to my office break out area (suddenly everything has a ‘break’ in it) and pour myself a big full mug of caffeine and somehow it takes an eternity to fill up. Amidst the buzzing sound of pouring coffee, I realize that I have been in the middle of a crisis for a while now, completely unaware all the while. What can be worse than this!

Two years back, I had moved out of Bangalore, the place where I made friends- college, office, and the best ones, where I struggled out of all the teen and early twenties crux and the place where I got so comfortably numb in my own comfort zone for the past seven years, that it scared me. So I made a decision and here I am, a new city, a new job, less and new friends and sorting out all of my predicaments alone. Somehow, I had assumed that at the end of this, I would emerge as a better, stronger person, both mentally and morally, and be this self-motivated girl, incredibly driven towards her goals, but a little flashback at my life, and I am not so sure anymore.

I take a quick sick leave from office (I am really sick in my gut with this excruciating pain of sudden cognizance) and come back home. There is a war going on inside my head and I debate between sleeping on it, like always or comprehending it, for a change.

I look at my personal life, it is as unhappening and nonexistent that it can be, my bank balance is certainly disappointing, and the onset of premature thirties; whoa, let’s not even go there!

Yes, I have been in a 9-5 job for the past three years, constantly knowing that I certainly do not belong here, but working hard nonetheless, because that is what we are supposed to do, right; with all our degrees and the huge loan we take for our higher studies? Isn’t it an unnerving thought when you realize that you are aimlessly going somewhere, without even knowing where you are supposed to be!

I lay down there (but in my mind I am on the brink of extinction, trust me), my mind on a roller coaster ride with a thousand of why’s, when’s, and how’s, completely clueless of any solution and suddenly questioning every tiny aspect of my being. Quit your job, you would say, if that makes you so unhappy, but the fear of an uncertain future is heavier than the burden of doing something that you do not want to, but excel in it, anyways.

I left behind my close circle of friends, hoping to make new ones; only to find out that you stop making great friends after a certain period of time (spoiler alert!). No matter how much technology advances and promises to keep you in touch with your loved and dear ones, it is all pointless if you do not make time for them. The number of calls exchanged with parents reduce over a period of time and you somehow learn to get used to being distant in all your relationships in life. Love life really doesn’t matter to you at this point of time because you have drained all your energy and effort in sorting out the other chaos of your everyday life and putting forth one more ounce of hard work at your love life is completely out of question.

Additionally, if you wake up everyday with teeny tiny reminders that you are aging, lady, is truly daunting. Yes, I am greeted by a graying strand of hair on some mornings, and I tend to discover some microscopic hints of wrinkles or fine lines or some signs of not being in teens anymore. I bask myself in the long gone glory of flawlessness and realize how carefree life really was and how I am so not ready for all the responsibilities and stress of being an adult finally.

I have become this lady who is so nonchalant and indifferent to every big change in her life that she has stopped feeling anything. Until now, of course. The moment when you concede that you have become so used to things happening to you, rather than making them happen to you, is rather petrifying. Life has become listless and you have become used to it, in fact, helped it become dormant. This feeling is similar to that lazy day when you are all warmed up in your couch and then your favorite show ends, but you are too indolent to switch channels, so you just start to watch the next show disinterestedly and make yourself get used to it; on an endless loop!

This moment, when you realize that you were buried deep in a pile of mess, with a thousand unanswered questions, is bittersweet. It is a wonderful feeling of acknowledging that you were in a dilemma all the while, but an equally perturbing feeling of knowing that you do not have the answers to all your questions yet. I applaud myself because unlike the majority of the masses, blissfully unaware of the crossroads they are in, I am at least aware now, that I was broken. I know that I have to fix myself and move on, but the insecurity of making a decision that could possibly change your life, improve the way things are, is confounding. It sounds easy, fixing yourself, but it takes hell lot of endeavor and audacity to bring about a change.

It was futile to wonder how and why things are, the way they are now, but I decide to sort them, one broken piece at a time. I actually do not have a plan, but I surely know all the DON’TS and I feel in a much better place already.

I know that deep inside, I know what I really want to do in my life. I know what to do at work tomorrow. I make a quick and happy call to my parents (to their surprise), tell them how much I love them and I hang up. Next, I call up my friends and let them know that I miss them. I decide to age gracefully and not ruefully. Sure enough, I was the life of parties at some point in time, but maybe I do not want that anymore.

I feel as if some sort of burden has already lifted up from my shoulder and a fog that had clouded my judgment all this while, kind of cleared up. This was just another Tuesday of my life, thank God for the “ladies night” event on Wednesdays, I say out loud and put myself to sleep.

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14 thoughts on “A boulevard of broken dreams

  1. Sneha says:

    I can really feel the words penned down. The best part is to know you are broken and to accept that some pieces can be joined but others could be lying down forever. A nice write up😊

    Like

  2. Ankita says:

    Nyc write up, made me to ponder upon a similar phase which I am going through now. A phase of life which everyone goes through at one point of time or the other. But the point is to realise the phase n try n join the broken parts n move on with the ones that cannot be joined.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Harish says:

    Yes it is damn real..
    Being ur buddy i can say u wrote what’s there in ur heart.
    It was emotional but wonderful..
    ☺👌
    I must say u r going to that level where people feel evry drop of ink from writer’s pen..
    Keep going..
    U will surely reach heights….👍

    Like

    • ayushi860 says:

      Thank you so much Harish… I still have so much to improve, but glad you like my posts! It was something that I had felt at some point of time, so I just penned it down! 🙂

      Like

  4. Sugam Singh says:

    I believe this writing is soo apt and could be related to all of us mostly..at times you might not have a solution or answers to all of your queries.. All we need to do is go into our caves for a time being and try to discover our real we..I know DAT too won’t work as the new Monday will again put you back on to your desk ..but trust me try with small changes..be it be anything..even a tiny one..make it happen in real..I am soo sire that one fine day everything will be just absolutely fine..and remember tea is always a better option..

    Like

  5. M.J says:

    I’m at the same point in my life. It all sums up to fear. Fear of not letting go of a job I despise because I need the money; fear that I am aging and I have minimal stuff to show for it eg no baby, no hubby; fear of fear hahaha. I hear it gets better down the line, that these things will work themselves out and that you will laugh at your younger self for getting too worried.

    Liked by 1 person

    • ayushi860 says:

      Exactly MJ, the fear of uncertainty and change! I have a similar job story but I can not bring myself to change this because I don’t like uncertainty. I really hope that down the line when we go through a similar phase again, we would laugh it off. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Debashis Hira says:

    Here comes another ‘pro level’ write-up. Class apart, there’s always some soothing amount of reality in ever words you share. Must say, these thoughts are as lucid as well the perfect blend of sweetness adds up making a perfect recipe, keeping the reader glued till the end. Always there is a immense amount of happiness in reading your blogs. Definitely would read each n every one of them. Its just i make a sincere effort, but the procrastination holds me back. 🙂 Keep posting whenever some thought comes across your mind. Kudos, Ayushi 🙂

    Like

    • ayushi says:

      Thank you so much for those encouraging words Debashis! Nothing makes my day better than heartfelt remarks about something that is so dear to me.
      Procrastination or not, I am just glad that you like my writings and I hope it stays the same! 🙂

      Like

  7. startswithmyra says:

    Never stop dreaming, never give in to who you don’t want to be, set a goal and enjoy the path it takes to get there,start every day with a smile, walk away from people who have nothing good to say and take a chance before you don’t get a second one.
    OMG..LOL..IDK..who knew I would need to know this at my age!
    Stay the life of your own party and you will always have fun.

    Like

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