It was not her fault entirely, neither was it yours. Maybe it was all wired that way, but ruining the idea of ‘us’ that she had is all on you.
There was nothing to grieve about here because it was an almost-breakup of an almost-relationship, but what you guys had was magic. You knew it, she knew it and your friends had felt it. You waited long enough to succumb to this magic but alas! waving the magic wand for too long had her feeling drained.
When she poured out her heart to you and bared her soul, you claimed you were bad with expressing emotions. She still found her peace in the subtle hints that you gave. Hence she always found her way back to you with that first call after a huge fight because you never thought it was your liability if you are not wrong in your eyes. She was a fool to value what you guys had more than the liability factor. Maybe she got tired of being the one who always came back. And the day she waited for you to make the first move after the fight, it all crumbled to pieces.
You were as emotionally involved in this as she was but you were too scared to take the plunge and all along the road while trying to convince you that love is not hard, she hit the rock bottom when the same truth struck her. Love is not hard and she knew that it won’t be worth it even after you had made up your mind.
She was right by you when you were in your ‘maybe’ phase, and the day she uttered the maybe word but you were sure, you could not even stick around long enough to make her come back. She needed you to be strong when she was her weakest self, but maybe she expected too much from you. You could never give it your all and she realized it. Or maybe you really suck with words, as you claimed to be. But your actions were also no good. Or maybe there was that distance. Or maybe it was the situation and the timing, no one would ever know, but she had nothing to hang on to.
You made it seem like too much of an effort, one-sided effort – where it consumed the whole of her but only a part of you.
You ruined her idea of us.
So she left behind the idea of us. You could keep asking what did you do to ruin it but she won’t be able to answer because it was all the things that you did not do and all the words you never said.
She left because each time she convinced you to stay she lost a bit of herself.
She left because you never tried to make her stay the ONE time she ran.
Unlike the other stories that fall part, you were not toying with her emotions, you were in it with all your heart; you just needed to confess a lot stronger. Because the long wait had sucked the love and hope out of her and all you had needed to do was put in just a little bit of effort more. Because when she held on for so long, it was for a reason. She wanted to STAY. You just did not have the courage to ask her to stay, and make her believe that you were in it and fix everything with your magic wand for once.
And that is what hurt the most because you were almost so close for a one-way ride to the love paradise, but you let it go!
You had the advantage of being friends and lovers and enjoying the comfort of long silence. You had what it took to click together. Every time that you guys were together, it was a therapy session of uncontrollable laughter and life altering discussions. You could have done so much better with everything in your favor, but you did not.
Everything was perfect until you guys decided to give it a shot and boy what a disaster it was! While you were busy finding faults in her, she was busy overlooking yours. Maybe it was never a good venture, but who could ever control what a heart wants. Maybe it would have been one hell of a story, only if you would have switched places when it was needed and stuck around for once and made her believe in us again. But instead, you chose to let go.
So she turned off that switch.
She left because she realized that the idea of us was stellar in beautiful ways but toxic for her self-respect.
She realized that she deserves to be with someone who would not let her go.
She loved you and you loved her, but not enough to make her stay. Your love fell short by a minuscule because sometimes you need something supplementary to fix the pieces that she broke while fixing you.