The marriage saga- and why this generation is afraid of it.

Let me be honest- the idea of marriage petrifies me and as I sit here typing these words out, my folks are probably busy sending my marriage-worthy-profile-photo to someone else, whose son, I believe would also be as jittery of this development as I am. (For those of you who are curious, I am talking about arranged marriages). This is funny given the fact that we, as girls, have been raised since the beginning of our childhood in a very prepare-your-daughter-for-marriage environment. I bet almost all of you ladies would have heard the sentence ”If you do this, who is going to marry you!”. The only difference is these words actually instilled fear in me back then and these same words evoke a response of “so what” now. So how did a child who wanted to grow up and get married ended up repelling the idea of marriage, HOW?

Well , the very first answer I can think of is this: At a guy’s bachelor’s party why does the conversation with the groom-to-be almost always end up like this- ”you guys are lucky that you are still single”; or at a bachelorette why do we hear words of advice and regret coming from married ladies? Whatever happened to the beautiful, happily-ever-after, inspiring love stories we grew up watching and believing in? Where are such couples and why don’t they speak up at evening discussion outside work wherein people are busy talking about the cons of married life over drinks.

cd34c82d703af9e376b9e22940750c91 Image Source- Google.

We grew up with certain expectations about love and marriages but we were hit by the sick reality of them as we watch in dismay people cheating in marriages and the concept of infidelity being ubiquitous and taken for granted.

In the world full of Charlie Sheens we struggle to find a Chandler Bing.  Happy endings have become a myth and forever has become a long time.We have heard and seen all  kind of weird stuff- spouse swaps and trashy rebounds. We watch our friends put in their all to avoid their marriages from crumbling to pieces and married people staying back at work to avoid being home with their spouse. There has been an ever increasing number of divorces, because this generation is far more independent and in-charge of their lives compared to the previous one and they will not settle for anything less. On a regular basis we encounter more of people who are unhappy for some set of reasons in their marriage and we wish we could encounter more of the genuinely happy kind! Whatever happened to the righteousness and sanctitude of the word marriage! We struggled to keep our beliefs alive in a world that is anything but hostile for the growth of love.

A lot of how we let all of this freak us out also depends on our emotional baggage. All of us come with a baggage- whether you accept it or not and our fear of settling down with someone is a result of this very baggage.

You would be lying if you say that as a child watching your parents argue did not make you think of how you are never going to marry into something like that. You would be lying if you say that the history of your past relationships isn’t a major contributing factor in your trust/commitment issues.

The sooner we acknowledge that our baggage- insecurities, lack of confidence, trust/commitment issues, family/ex/temper issues- is our responsibility and the intricacies of our personalities, the sooner we would be able to stop imposing them onto our partner and look beyond our mountain of expectations- expectations that are somehow a manifestation of our baggage. Nothing kills a relationship more than burden of expectations and almost all of us have had enough of such set backs to scare us away from dealing with a lifetime of expectations.

As if marriages do not come with enough inbuilt expectations already! What do people ever mean when they say “you are not a marriage material”! Is there some secret school we need to go and graduate from to be marriage material? Please tell me if there is and I will definitely stay away from that school. Last I checked every human being is equally capable of loving and being loved back and if that is not enough to make a marriage work, hire a cook, and a maid and you are set!

I come from the part of world where, sadly enough, the expectation from a girl in a marriage is way beyond what can be comprehended . This situation is definitely improving but we still have a long way to go. Arranged marriages are a norm here and believe me, that alone is an adequate reason to be a runaway bride! We as gen Y have a lot of dreams and aspirations for ourselves and settling down with someone whom we barely know, just for the reason that our parents approved of the boy’s family and background can never be anything short of a nightmare. What if he has a different lifestyle? What if he doesn’t love doing what I do. What if he is not a loving and caring human? What if he doesn’t love dogs? What if he doesn’t love me! Well, the series of what-ifs is never ending and the concept of compromising for someone we barely know, to make a marriage work, is very selfless, demanding and arduous for us. Basically we struggle to balance ourselves in a conflict of traditional and progressive outlook. 

So you feel me yet? This generation is scared of falling in love and also scared of arranged marriages.

We are part of a generation for whom career, fun, and independence come the foremost, we are part of a culture where we do not let anything compromise with our priorities and anything that hampers our mental peace is shunned out(remember all the positive vibe quotes from Insta), we are trying to find love in era of left and right swipes, easy make-up and break-up and trial live-ins! Ideal wife/mother or a husband material yet?- Oh, I am flawsome, accept me as I come or watch me go is our motto.

Somehow we ended up making love and commitment the phobia that it is today. Making a relationship work is a ton of effort from both sides and nobody is really willing to put into that work- somehow sulking  that relationships are hard and finding fault with the partner are easier than making one work because hey, we all think we have a pool of options. Hence we are scared of marriages- the fear of losing one’s independence, the fear of an uncertain future, the fear of making it work with somebody- forever!

0f34074056b2121d065a38164c462aa1--clocks-true-love

Now let us not get carried away, as much as I pretend not to be, I am a hopeless romantic at heart and will always try to find the beauties of this magical word love. I have friends from the less-talked about ‘happily married’ category and if anything else, they inspire me to respect marriage and believe in its sanctity. These are the kinds we grew up watching- the ones who can not wait to get back home to their spouses, the ones who do not give up on one another, the ones who stick by in the good and the bad times. Watching them always helps me answer the question of how can I ever be sure about who the right person is to settle down with.

In case you are curious, your right person is not the most beautiful, the smartest, the kindest, the funniest or the richest person, your right person is someone whom you would choose despite being surrounded by these people and it is as simple and as complicated as that.

Let Nora Ephron’s quote from the classic When Harry met Sally convince you into this “When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” And probably this would be our cue to take the big plunge!

 

 

Advertisements

36 Comments Add yours

  1. susieshy45 says:

    Ayushi, my dear,
    Its been so long since I heard from you. How were your exams ?
    I hope you get a person who treats you like he would treat himself.
    God bless you,
    Susie

    Liked by 1 person

    1. ayushi says:

      Heya Sushie, I had been MIA for a while , but back now! How have you been?
      And thank you so much for the well wishes!! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. susieshy45 says:

        What is MIA, Ayushi ?
        Susie

        Liked by 1 person

    2. ayushi says:

      I am sorry, got caught up with all the slags, it is missing in action, I basically wanted to say that I was not actively blogging in the last 5-6 months! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. susieshy45 says:

        Thank you. Was it because of your 12 exams ?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. ayushi says:

        That would be correct- but it wasn’t my 12th, I completed my high school way back Susie!! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      3. susieshy45 says:

        OMG. I thought you were like my 18 year old daughter,My bad !

        Like

  2. scrapbookadventures365 says:

    I think so many people get divorced these days and weddings cost so much that I think that puts people off. People say its harder to get out of a mortgage with someone than a marriage – I don’t think it should be like that! Love that cover pic by the way 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. ayushi says:

      It’s from the movie Up, have you watched it? One of the most touching and delightful love story I watched in recent times.

      Like

  3. Sarah Bailey says:

    I have to admit I would love to get married one day, but I wouldn’t like to be the centre of attention, my other half doesn’t really want to though so I guess it will never happen. It is interesting to see how peoples ideas on it change.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. ayushi says:

      Hopefully Sarah your other half will come around and yes, I too want to settle down, eventually!!! 🙂

      Like

  4. Britt | Alternatively Speaking says:

    I’m proud to say that I am part of the ‘happily married’ group but it’s not always easy hahaha Marriages are hard work, but they’re worth it!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. ayushi says:

      I of course believe in happy endings and making a relationship work Britt, I just don’t know if the one I end up with would have the same beliefs!! 😀 . I am so glad you guys are strong and together! Stay blessed!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Alicia says:

    I’m not sure I agree with all the points you have made. But we must come from very different cultures. My parents would never have said ‘if you do this, who will marry you’! I cannot image a parent saying that. As I said different cultures and I love reading about other cultures and realizing that my reality is not the only one. Good on you for sharing.

    Like

    1. ayushi says:

      It is the cultural difference Alicia, Most of us Indian girls here can resonate with that but having said that I did mention that times are changing here in India and my parents are way too liberal and supportive now.

      Like

  6. PRATISH says:

    Hey, Ayushi!
    I have been reading your blogs for sometime and I have really enjoyed reading it all. Your content is amazing. It makes me wonder how well you understand the subjects that you pen down. I have observed that I always end up reading your work more than once.
    The first read is where the evocative truthfulness of the thoughts and the questions that you pose takes me into its grip; leading to a void for some serious introspection.
    on second go, it’s for the joy of reading; the flow, the structure, the words and phrases, and the mannerism in which you portray it.
    Also the way you conclude, you leave so much to reader’s imagination; it’s like, the answers are there but it’s all in between the lines. You don’t play the highfalutin intellectual who knows it all; instead you give something that we need to metabolize on our own.

    It’s a pleasure to read your work.
    Keep writing more!! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. ayushi says:

      Thank you so much Pratish, all those encouraging and positive words mean a lot! Reader like you keep writers like us going! 🙂

      Like

  7. I really believe in happy ending. For me, marriage is sacred and really important. People nowadays take it for granted.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. admin says:

    Marriage whether it is a loved one or arranged one- it depends entirely on both the husband and wife to make the marriage work

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Elizabeth says:

    I feel so grateful that I had the opportunity to marry for love. I can’t imagine what it must be like to be forced into an arranged marriage…

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I love when Harry met Sally! I haven’t gotten married. .odd because my parents are still together and happy. And I’m old haha. it just Never happened for me. .yet..

    Liked by 1 person

  11. At my house when we are watching a movie and a wedding scene comes on my daughters get repulsed almost, they do not like the idea. I find it very interesting because when I was a teenager I would dream of my wedding day and write down wedding ideas.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. i love this movie so much…true love…love is a mystery isn’t it? but need to keep it up all the time…the struggling, the moments, the happiness, should be done together

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Diana says:

    Great post! I really believe in happy ending. For me, marriage is sacred and really important.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Personally, i see myself in a non conventional ways. Together with my amore, we live the life of marriage, but not with the norms, which works on us makes us stronger.
    I guess every marriages can make their own rules and ways that works with you.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I love happy endings and romcoms. What do we have without our hopes?

    Liked by 1 person

  16. AyeshaHeart says:

    Marriage is a commitment and we really have to choose someone who will be with us through thick and thin. Most important, your partner should be God-fearing. If he doesn’t have God in his heart, the relationship will not work. It’s deep and a lot of people ignore this but I’ve seen some marriage situations that failed because God isn’t in the center of their relationship.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. ayushi says:

      Thank you so much Danny!! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. dray0308 says:

        You are welcome!

        Like

  17. Fabi Blogger says:

    Hi! I found you through Danny’s blog 🙂
    My husband and I have been married for 20 years, and we still love each other and we can both say we are happy together. Many people have asked us what is our secret, but there is no secret. The truth is a good relationship is more about hard work than romance. You have to work hard (really hard) at having a good relationship. There will be difficult times, there will be arguments, there will be money problems, there will be sleepless nights, there will be tears, but there will also be happiness, there will be love, there will be commitment, there will affection, there will be companionship. It will be worth it because a good marriage is a good life investment. You will have a partner, a friend, and a lover for life.
    My husband and I married young, but we didn’t miss out on life. We’ve had fun, we’ve had careers, we’ve been independent, we’ve traveled, we’ve been to parties, we’ve had a great time. It’s been a wonderful life, and I don’t regret getting married. As with everything in life, you have to put in the effort to make a marriage work. There’s no magic, there’s no secret sauce. There is only the willingness to make it work.
    Marriage or no marriage, I wish you happiness and joy.
    -Fabi at Wonder Fabi

    Liked by 2 people

    1. ayushi says:

      Hey Fabi, I could not agree more with every word that you said about making a marriage or any relationship, in that case, work! The problem I have seen nowadays is the mind playing tricks, somehow the mind sticks to the negativity and blocks out all the happy memories that you pointed out and this reflects heavily on doomed relationships. No relationship will ever be without difficult moments, but the key is to work on those difficulties TOGETHER and stick by, and this attitude is somewhat scantily found in our generation- because we like to think that we have a pool of options!
      But in other news, I am so so glad that everything worked out perfectly and happily for you guys and stay blessed!
      Ayushi

      Liked by 2 people

  18. I am smiling like a ‘chipmunk’ 😬. Brilliant write-up Ayushi..👌❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. ayushi says:

      Thank you superheroes!!! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  19. Fab piece of writing, Ayushi. I am young, been married for 2 years, and got no ounce of regret. I thoroughly loved all you shared.
    I had once compiled a list of behavioral and scientific studies to justify Love…
    https://aguidetorelationships.wordpress.com/2018/01/31/7-relationship-sciences-in-one-click/
    Have a look and drop in a comment! 🙂

    Like

  20. kmichonski says:

    Thank you for sharing !

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s